In my travels, each culture seems to have a different approach to giving food. In some cultures, when they offer you food and you say no, they say OK and move to the next person. In others, when they offer you food and you say no, they say, “You must eat, are you skin and bones!” and then continue to offer you food. In these cultures, you often have to say no multiple times and yet still remain pleasant to not upset the crowd.
I take this example and apply it to so many situations. I said I didn’t want to play and the person insisted and now I’m playing against my will? I said I’m not drinking alcohol this week and the person bought me a beer and now I’m drinking the beer? I said I need to focus on my work and then the person keeps talking with me and now I’m in conversation and not working?
My default reaction has been to be angry at these people — “Didn’t they hear that I don’t want those things? Why won’t they respect me? Why don’t they care about me?”
And then I think about the times where I really don’t want to do something. I gave up alcohol for one month on my own volition. During that month, I got offered SO much beer it was ridiculous. And yet, I didn’t drink a beer. I smiled and refused them and kept refusing them, because I KNEW that I didn’t want to drink a beer.
It would be easy for me to be angry at those people — “Didn’t they hear I didn’t want a beer? Why do they keep asking me? Can’t they remember that I am taking the month off?”
And yet, that anger would be rooted in the assumption that they were somehow trying to hurt me by not remembering, or that they wished me to do something against my will.
As I explore emotions more, I realize more and more that often people don’t know that I’m doing something against my will unless I repeatedly tell them and take action so they know that I’m not participating.
Standing up for the truth of what you want, while being fair towards the other person, and loving towards everyone — that is the challenge of life.