9:05AM
Click. It’s not working. Click click click. It’s not working. Shit. Software update. Click. It’s not working. Oh. My webinar package expired. Pay for another month. There it goes.
I started late because I had to subscribe to the Zoom Webinar package for another month. I don’t know if it were the best decision, as I haven’t really had anyone on these calls and I definitely haven’t made any money with the platform. I guess I like to think that I’ll eventually make money with this tool one of these days.
I’ve had a habit of doing that over the years—paying for tools that aren’t making me money now but I think will make me money in the future, and they still haven’t paid off.
I wonder why I don’t make money.
It’s not as if I don’t have valuable things to offer people. I wonder what my relationship to money is. It’s now at that point of the project, day 28, when I’m not sure if I’ve written about this before but again, perhaps fresh takes can reveal things as well. Whether I write the same thing over different days without realizing it, or whether I have a fresh spin on the same topic.
Maybe the idea of selling something feels as if I’m committing to it, selling it and only it, and exclude working on other things. When I think about someone growing a business, they seem to go all in, focusing just on that, and building it up from scratch slowly but surely. Part of that really bores me, thinking to do the same thing day in and day out—even doing this writing every day is tiring me out and part of me really can’t wait until the final day is here.
Maybe I have this belief that charging money to people will hurt them—that them paying for something will bring pain to their life and I don’t want to add pain. I struggle sometimes to see how paying may actually bring them joy, happiness, pride, excitement, focus, and other “positive” things.
Perhaps this is all compounded with the pandemic. That people really don’t have money right now and would feel even more pain to pay for something. That they shouldn’t have to pay for something in these trying times.
Maybe I’m missing that for some people, paying is a way to help them cope with situations. Many people will shop when they’re stressed to relieve the burden. However, not sure how healthy that is for them.
But who am I to judge? Who am I to know how they’ll feel when they pay? Maybe if I make it optional, they can choose what to do, whether they want to pay or not?
I just realized the tremendous amount of guilt that I carry around charging people for things. I feel guilty for putting a price tag and exclusivity on the work, feel afraid that it’ll lock me into doing one thing and only one thing forever, and feel nervous that I’ll make the wrong decision.
Even though I work on emotions all the time, yes, even I have a very long way to go in learning about how I feel.
9:15AM
