Love scares the hell outta me. I’ve seen it hurt me and hurt many others. Maybe it’s not the love that hurt, but how quickly the love went from intense closeness to intense distance.
I’ve said that my work is about love, about feeling deeply connected to others. I’ve also been reticent to dive into it. Why? Why do I keep avoiding what I claim to be preaching?
I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I believe love can be really intense, and therefore risky. Almost like a spring that is compressed too tightly, love can immediately explode, pushing the two sides to the opposite ends of the room. I’ve experienced this explosion many times. People opening up to me really deeply about their life and then going, “Oh, I can’t believe I opened up that much,” and going quiet. Or worse, the ones who may realize that, not say it outlaid, and then quietly avoid my calls, messages, and attempts for contact. I’ve also had one woman say to me that she doesn’t know anyone like me in her life, that I bring a unique perspective that she’s never encountered, challenging her in ways that she really appreciates—and then a few weeks later tell me that I bring nothing to her life, that my way of seeing the world brings nothing to her, that I should stop sending her messages.
I struggle with this. In conversations with people, I often won’t connect with them, maybe out of fear, and then will try to help them resolve their conflict through “teaching” them skills, except that may not want to be taught those things. It often leads to mutual frustration, anger, and increasing distance. I almost know in my head the “answer” is to not try to fix them or change their behaviors, but to really connect with them emotionally. And yet, even though I know it’s the answer, I mostly refrain from doing so. Am I afraid fo the tears? Am I afraid of the lack of privacy that comes with that, and therefore a fear of losing control? Am I afraid they may become obsessed with me? Am I afraid they may feel too exposed and blame me for “forcing” them to open up?
Perhaps it’s natural to fear love—it does seem like one of the most powerful forces in the human world. So maybe love and emotional connection is not so much about “not being afraid” and more about being courageous. Having the courage to be present with the person, knowing that this high-speed ride may quickly veer off the tracks, leaving many of us bloody. But, it may also be the thrill of our lives.
