Sometimes we force ourselves to say things. We don’t want to say them, but something in us said that we told ourselves we would say them, so we do. It’s not just limited to saying things, but really for any type of action. We tell ourselves we will do something in the future and then when the future arrives, we just don’t feel like it anymore. And yet we do it anyways.
I was telling myself that I would write about “levels”—how people see the world from different perspectives and that one is not better than the other, just different—and how they help us work together to solve problems. However, when I sat down, I just didn’t feel it anymore. I paused for a few seconds at the beginning of this, almost feeling myself try to pull it out, like a magician struggling to pull a magic scarf out of thin air.
So I went with my gut. I fought the guilt I had for committing to doing one thing and doing another. I felt my body relax and open, a smile may have even spread across my face. To be free, to speak our minds, our hearts, without punishing ourselves for not aligning with our past self. Without blaming ourselves for being different in the present than we had thought we would be. Without ignoring our internal drives, letting them guide us as they currently see fit.
I wonder how this impacts so many aspects of our lives. How often do we say yes to something because we promised we would, and yet in the moment, our whole body screams no? How often do we continue to do something even though we no longer have the urge? How often do we shame ourselves for being a living breathing animal and changing over time?
People have said I struggle with commitment. Maybe I do. For me, I see commitment as sometimes doing something that we no longer want to do; feeling trapped, forced, manipulated by our past projections of the future. Sometimes I just wish to be in the present, taking in the smells, sounds, touches, and overall beating heart of the moment. Sometimes I just want to say, “Yes, I know I promised that, AND, I no longer want to do that. I hope you understand.”
We only get one shot at this world (or so I hear) and I want to be more honest with myself about what I want to do and what I don’t want to do—and have the courage to abide.
