How does one begin? Perhaps one begins by removing “one” and replacing it with “I.” How do I begin? Yes, that feels more aligned with what I wanted to do.
I want this to be a space of experimentation, a space of play, a space of expression. I didn’t sleep well last night, as I stayed up late trying to prepare every last detail of this, and I also felt so nervous about how to begin. You see, I trust my ability to continue and to maintain things. Sometimes I worry about how I will begin and how I will end. Will I say just the right thing? What will people think? How will they feel? How will I feel?
As I type this, I’m quite aware that I’m not just typing for the moment; in a way, I’m typing for the future. I’m here, with the cold basement floor, the whirring of the furnace, the sun slipping in through the tiny windows. And yet I’m there, thinking whether this is how a book should start, whether this is what someone will find compelling, whether this will leave an indelible mark on history.
Perhaps that’s a struggle many of us are feeling these days. Right now, many of us around the world are on quarantine or lockdown, sheltered in our homes to help prevent the spread of the novel coronavirus, COVID-19, or whatever you want to call it. We are in a moment of time that will be history. We are living history. Our moves, our decisions, our non-decisions, are likely to be recorded and remembered for years into the future. In a way, I feel paralyzed to think about such eternal consequences of my actions. In another way, I feel somewhat empowered; we have the ability to write history with our actions.
I don’t know what this book will entail. I imagine it will include many gaffes, many poorly thought out arguments, and many oops-I-can’t-believe-I-said thats. I hope it will dive deeper into not only my soul and my heart, but as a result, deeper into the souls and hearts of humanity. I imagine I will say many things in here that will be taboo in the future, and for that, I was going to say I apologize but I don’t feel guilty for that. I’m writing in a particular moment in time.
And speaking of time, I have 30 seconds left to write. It seems that time is the most limited resource we have. It comes and mostly it goes, and I guess it’s up to us to feel it.
