“I’m sorry” –> “I forgive you.”
We assume that one has to apologize first and then the other person will forgive. In my work with Emotional Self-Defense, I have discovered that forgiveness can go first.
“I forgive you.”
The benefit of this is that you don’t have to wait until someone apologizes, and therefore you can do it whenever. And contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not something we do for other people but something we do for ourselves. It is a tool to free ourselves from the resentment and bitterness that we may have been carrying for years.
The realization that hit me in bed last night is that saying “I forgive you” to someone who hasn’t apologized could be somewhat strange:
“I forgive you.” –> “Did I say I was sorry?”
This could cause more of a disconnection than not saying anything at all — it can appear as one is assuming that the other person has committed a wrong and is 100% at fault for what has happened.
Instead of telling someone you forgive them when they haven’t asked to be forgiven, you can apologize to them for holding a grudge against them:
“I’m sorry.” –> “I’m sorry, too.”
In saying “I’m sorry” first, you can admit responsibility for the disconnection in the relationship. There is a chance that the other person may just say “I forgive you,” which may cause you to feel angry, “But you were at fault, too!”
There is also the chance that the other person will say, “You know what, I’m sorry, too.”
After such mutual apology occurs, I often experience some of the most magical and reconnecting moments of my life.
No one is to blame and we all are to blame. We’re all trying our best.