Has it ever worked for you where you told somebody to not feel a certain emotion and then they stopped feeling that emotion? Most of the time, what I notice is that if someone tells me to stop feeling something, I feel it more.
For example, “Don’t be angry” typically makes me feel angry. “It’s not a big deal” typically makes me believe it were a bigger deal. “Cheer up” typically makes me sink even deeper.
I’m not impervious to this by any means: I consistently have said to my parents, “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” which, I believe, has made them worry even more so.
So what to do instead?
I’ve noticed that when people give me the permission to feel whatever it is that I am feeling, the feeling starts to subside.
“Don’t worry” –> “It’s OK to feel worried.”
“Don’t be angry” –> “It’s OK to feel angry.”
“Cheer up” –> “It’s OK to feel down.”
Telling ourselves not to feel an emotion is just as useless as telling a little child not to put something in his mouth–the more you say not to do it, the more he will stuff in his little cheeks.
Telling ourselves it is OK to feel whatever we are feeling releases our resistance and allows the emotion to pass through us.
Now how to explain this to Tanzanians who have 30+ ways or saying “No worries”…