Transcript
Hey everyone. Welcome to the first daily gym in a while. I am sitting here in the parking garage of the hospital where my mom passed away last year, uh, one year from today and I asked myself what I wanted to do today. I thought about going to the cemetery and then I just clicked that I wanted to go to the hospital. It's in town, um, very close and it's a place where my dad's sister and I came.
Pretty much from December 17th of last year until today, January 4th, pretty much every day from the morning until the evening. Um, and we had been here previously for the different things that she had gone through. So it was just, I think wanting to feel, wanting to almost confront the feelings, wanting to not be afraid of the hospital, wanting to, just see what changed. I mean, partially curiosity.
And so I walked in earlier and nobody was wearing a mask and I was shocked because I remember last year, almost everybody wore masks almost the whole time. Um As I walked further, I went to the cafeteria where I had some dipping dots last year, multiple times and just walked in and felt everything rushing back. But there was a new vending machine and I got the dip and dots and I sat down and ate it for those who don't know, it's a beautiful, delicious ice cream. Um And the TV was off, I think last year it had news or soap operas or something. And this year there was a sign that said for the peace and relaxation of, of people here, please stream from your devices instead of the TV. And so I hate the dipping dots. I went back up, I went to, I went past the waiting room where, uh we sat when she first had her surgery, uh dealing with uh cancer um, back in 2020. Um, and then I walked further on, I went up to the upstairs waiting room that has a nice win big windows overlooking kind of the rest of the hospital complex and the road. And uh I remembered how I was standing there when I called her aunt and her brother and, oh, let them know how, how bad her situation was, and remembered how I had sat there with my sister and was philosophizing on how sometimes emotional suppression leads to repression. And if we repress it too much instead of it coming out as in like an explosion or exploding, I thought, ah, egress egression. I was so proud of that. Um.
And honestly walking in, I felt, I was kind of scared about how I was going to feel, but I felt more relaxed because I think the last time I was here, I was feeling so much anxiety about what's going to happen. What's I gonna pay attention? I have to be alert. I have to be on. And here there was almost nobody in the cafeteria. It was just quiet. I didn't have anywhere to be, I didn't have to rush and didn't have to think what it was. The doctor saying I didn't have to be on call for if the doctor was going to come back and, and you know, doing the rounds. I had to make sure I could run up and catch the doctor so a few of us could hear what they had to say, we could ask questions and it was just nice to be. But then when I went up to the upstairs meeting uh waiting room, I think the sadness hit in. I think in that space when I was waiting up there, there was a lot more.
Sadness kicking in. And then, you know, I walked out and I felt the sadness of walking down that path that I had done with my dad and sister before. And I remember there was one time it was a couple of days before she had passed and just walking down that path and we were all just really quiet.
I think we knew without knowing, you know, and then coming out into the parking garage and it's the same time of year, it's a little warmer now. But walking and seeing these small little puddles and going. Oh, yeah, the roof leaks. I forgot the roof leaks. It's, it's all coming back.
I'm at 4.5 minutes now and I planned something else for this note. I was gonna give some philosophy on how we have to keep people open. I want to stay open. I got to make other people stay open, but maybe this one is just about me opening up a little bit and having the courage to be public again, uh, and be raw and public where I think, so often we discourage people from doing that. So, oh, I'm here. I'm feeling, I'm grateful that I'm feeling because what's the alternative? Right. So, um, I look forward to reconnecting with many of you and it's been a long time and I, I feel sad that have been gone for so long, but also grateful that, uh, I have some excitement to come back. So that's 5.5. I wanted to do five all Right. I'll talk to you all soon. Bye.
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