They agree to go on a date. In this case, it’s a man and a woman. The man picks up the woman in his car and they drive to a restaurant, passing by the fast food places to get to the fancy food beyond the hill. As they engage in conversation, both of them feel a bit uncomfortable. First dates can really be nerve-wracking. He feels very attracted to her but isn’t sure how she feels towards him. It has been a long time since he’s been on a date and his buddies have told him that if he doesn’t kiss her on the first date, then it’s not really a date.
She as well is feeling nervous. She recently broke up with her boyfriend because he was too aggressive towards her. He would never ask if she wanted to do things, he would just force her to do whatever he wanted to do—not just with regards to sex, but also with food, Friday evening plans, and which movie they’d watch.
The conversation goes pretty well, both are smiling and laughing, and flirting back and forth. After the meal, he drives her to her home, thinking that she may be the one. As he walks her up to the door, he grabs her and spins her around for a kiss. She doesn’t want it and yet believes the same thing—if it’s a good first date, I should reward him with a kiss. So she lets him kiss her. She breaks his grip, says thank you, and runs inside.
Neither of them can sleep. He’s grateful they kissed but he felt rushed, and somewhat frustrated with himself for ruining the moment because he was “supposed to do so.” She feels grateful that she spent time with him and somewhat frustrated with herself for not saying no when she really wanted to say to no, instead kissing him because she was “supposed to do so.”
Let’s stop right here.
Who, at this point, reaches out to the other person and tells them that they feel frustrated with themselves for allowing the kiss to happen?
Most likely, neither person. Why? Because for most of us, it’s very scary to admit those things to someone. We don’t want them to feel unwanted. We don’t want them to hurt. We don’t want to be the “bad person.”
So what is likely to happen is that both people will pretend as if it weren’t that big of a deal, and they will continue to date and continue to hurt themselves and each other and not let the other person know. And then, one day, the pain will get so big that one person will no longer be able to contain it, and either attack the other person or abandon them.
What if we had the courage—and the skills—to resolve the problem before it spiraled out of control? What if, instead of waiting until the cancer reached stage 4, we recognized something that was slightly off and got it checked out? What if, instead of attacking or abandoning the other person, we worked with them to resolve the problem while it was still manageable?
I believe that many of the conflicts we face in society are merely the final straws breaking the camel’s backs, and that if we address the micro-conflicts and the micro-pain that leads us to where we are, then we can build relationships stronger than we have ever imagined.
In the end, instead of asking who to blame, what if we asked who is going to resolve it?